After two absolutely amazing weeks in Lugoj, all hell broke loose for me. I am indeed talking about what we have all been dealing with for the last 2 years, Covid. It was the first time I had to be absolutely locked in a room and it felt like everything was falling apart. It’s a moment when you have nowhere to turn, no one to stop you from thinking, from being alone with your own thoughts.
The bads of my isolation
While I had amazing roommates who were always concerned about me and did their absolute best to be there for me it was still a very hard time. I spent 8 days in that confined space that started to feel like the walls were closing down on me, it was a special kind of torment to spend so much time with my thoughts. My mind was constantly thinking of everything I ever did, every chance I took, everything that has ever happened to me, good or bad. In moments like this we often think of all that’s bad, we wonder if we could have changed things for us and if so how different would we be today. Would the things I would have liked to change in my past affect my presence in Lugoj? How different of a person would I be? And we keep on wondering about hypotheses and what-ifs. What if after this experience I will still feel as lost as before? What if I am not good enough to do what I want to? What if, what if, what if…
The goods of my isolation
In the middle of so much wondering and questioning there were also good parts. There will never be enough words to thank those that have helped, that made me stop thinking, that made me feel less alone, that showed worry towards me. What those people did was the best they could ever do without even knowing how much they were helping me feel less lonely, less anxious, less depressed and more like the person I want to be. They showed me that we don’t always have to count on those that we’ve known for the longest time and that know our deepest darkest secrets. They showed me that I could indeed trust them in a moment of need, that they will be here on bad and good days, just like I will do the same for them.
I am thankful for what this experience has brought me so far and I hope it keeps on being as good or better!